C. Not Burning on the Inside

Sunday, 3 August 2008, 14:30 | Category : Uncategorized
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[HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAD!;* (yesterday)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DR. H!;* (today)]

Mr. Therapy Man, I need to ask you: how can I live on?*

And so she woke up after four hours of sleep with that song stuck in her head. She’s falling. Falling into a pit. An eternal pit. And only she can pick herself up, flip the pit around, and make sure she falls out of it rather than into it. She sighs and turns over to get out of bed. She’s been spending most of her days in bed. Might as well stay in there today.

She picks up her book and starts to read, ignoring the fact that she has two finals the next day. She has no sense of time. Her brother peeks in to ask if she wants anything to eat. She shakes her head. When was the last time she ate anyway? She shrugs and closes her book. She drags the laptop over her legs. Should she?

She opens it up. And signs into her multiple accounts. The only person she feels like talking to isn’t online. Her status says busy. Busy doing what? She’s got to be busy doing something. Not really. Says who? She can be busy doing nothing. But she isn’t really doing nothing. She’s thinking. Overwhelmingly. Is that a word? She can’t remember.

Does it surprise her? No. She’s already forgotten how to count. She’s already managed to dismiss the fact that a red light means stop. Next on the list? She won’t even mention it. Last time she felt this way was Summer `07. A book got her through that. Nothing will get her through this. Not even knowing what’s next.

What if what’s next is worse? She wouldn’t want to live anymore. She’s already living for one person only. She’s already lived enough for everyone else. Wow. What is she thinking? What is it? She’s driving herself over the wall. Blasphemous. She giggles. She really is insane.

Nostalgic. A song plays that reminds her of way too many memories. They are flooding her head. And in turn, the thoughts in her head flood her eyes. She needs to leave her bed. Or change its sheets. Maybe all the negativity would shed itself away once the sheets are gone. No?

She doesn’t only need to get out of her bed. She needs to leave. Soon. It would do her some good. It has to. And she wishes when she comes back, everything will be less hurtful. People would have moved on and dealt with their issues. And then maybe she can smile genuinely on the inside as well as the outside. She wipes her tears.

She sighs. She sits up on her bed and glances at the mirror to her left. She needs to deal with her hair. It’s big from the tossing and turning before the four hours of sleep she managed. Her eyeliner is smuged at well, adding a horrifying effect to the dark circles under her eyes. Her collar bones are starting to protrude. When was the last time she ate, again? Oh, wait. She couldn’t remeber that the first time. She reaches out to the elastic band on her bedside table and ties her hair back. She attempted brushing it the day before, but she gave up. As long as her bangs are okay, she’ll look fine. Or will she?

She would love to shatter the mirror until she feels better. She knows that’ll happen some time soon. But she also hopes it happens sooner than her soon. She wants to be able to live like her name implies. Her brother peeks in again. Does she want anything to eat? No, just water. Can she have a bottle? Two big ones? Sure.

Maybe the water will cleanse her of all of this.. Or maybe she’ll look back at it and sing, I remember when I lost my mind. There was something so pleasant about that phase.**

*Mr. Therapy Man – Justin Nozuka
**Crazy – Gnarles Barkley

No comments so far for “C. Not Burning on the Inside”

  1. 1do0da

    Gnarls Barkley wrote a little better as a sorta continuation for Crazy. You should start listening to that and see if it has the same effect :p

    your post reminded me of a bit from a book im reading so il type it up cuz i have the time do so ( just so that u dont confuse this with me writing it to make u feel better or something ) :P

    -Its not because there is no cause, that sometimes things just happen, but that the flaw is out of reach, intermittent, like the grinding noise in the gearbox that purrs whenever you take it to the man to fix. I’ve heard it said that, the way the universe is built, it may not be stranger than we know but stranger than we can know. We don’t have the kind of mind to master more than a bit of what is going on. Why should our wives or friends or fellow workers be any easier to grasp?

    hence why i believe my weirdness is a plus, now stop denying ur weirdness by masking it as craziness and embrace it :P

    last but not least ubooch maskeen gets a belated bday o dr.H gets it on time :P ? u need to slap urself

  2. 2Amethyst

    Do0da
    Lol, will do;p

    And you’re weirdness continues..

    What’s the title of the book?

    I’m not weird not crazy!

    Lol! Oboy weya elghazo, and he got a better gift;p

  3. 3nyxxie

    You should be a writer

  4. 4Amethyst

    Nyxxie
    Maybe someday:)

    Thanks;*

  5. 5do0da

    The Golden Age of Censorship by Paul Hoffman

    I love this book, i was delaying finishing it minkithir ma i enjoy reading it. bes i really wana read other books so i decided to try and finish it this coming week :P

  6. 6Amethyst

    Do0da
    I’m getting it.

    Lol, you are weird. Why delay finishing it? Just read it again!

  7. 7do0da

    i dont re-read books :P

    once i finish it 5ala9. This i started folding the pages at parts i like and im rereading those parts when i want, the books not finished hence its ok to reread those parts :P

    if u have trouble getting it, u can have my copy when im done :P

  8. 8do0da

    btw do0da wants the comics back

  9. 9Amethyst

    Do0da
    Lol, you never cease to amaze me. So, you don’t read your fave parts after your done with the book? That’s just retarded!

    Hehe, I’ll ask you for it if I have trouble finding it.

    Ma kan fi a funny comic for today. Be patient;p

  10. 10KTDP

    i agree with dooda … comics definitely have to come back …

    [humms does that make me craaaazy while trying to find it on youtube]

  11. 11Amethyst

    KTDP
    Next post;p

  12. 12secretadmirer

    she needs a vacation.

    she shouldve have just picked up her phone and called the person who wasnt online

    ;)

  13. 13Amethyst

    Secret Admirer
    She’ll go on a vacation soon.

    She didn’t want to. She doesn’t like imposing herself on others.

  14. 14J o u j a™

    awwwww
    happy birthday to your dad :D

  15. 15do0da

    so msn is not imposing urself on them :P but calling them is ?

    And why arent u studyin for ur 2 finals

  16. 16Ruby Woo

    Too many questions but that was beautiful. Simply beautiful! You’re really talented you know that?

  17. 17eshda3wa

    the only person you should be living for is yourself
    not anyone else

  18. 18Harlow

    allah ye6awil lekom ib 3omrah inshallah

  19. 19Amethyst

    Jouja
    Thanks:)

    Do0da
    They are online and not “Away” or “Busy” because they want to talk. When you call, you kind of give them no choice.

    Because I almost never study.. I studied for today’s cuz bel3arabi;p

    Ruby Woo
    Thank you:)

    Eshda3wa
    You’re right. I just don’t feel it anymore.

    Harlow
    Allah ysalmech;D

  20. 20jesterat314

    this is great.. just great… i just hope music is enough to save her.. music can be that powerful you know

  21. 21..::Amu::..

    Happy Belated Birthday Dady…its never late :)

  22. 22Amethyst

    Jester
    :)

    I hope it does. Nothing like music out there..

    Amu
    Hehe, thanks:)

  23. 23rawr

    you refrence.
    nice.
    *hugs*
    Been where you’ve been, got out of it.
    and now im back.
    yay…
    allah y3een

  24. 24Amethyst

    Rawr
    Thanks:)

    *Hug*

    I’ll be out of it soon. More like out of all of this..

  25. 2511:11

    you are beautiful.

  26. 26amethystos

    11
    Thank you :)

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